I’m struggling and winning the battle over sexual addiction. This is my story.
I grew up in a Christian home. I accepted Christ as Savior at a very young age. As far back as I can remember I’ve loved God and wanted to do His will. Outwardly things were fine. I was the deacon’s kid, and I knew the Bible well. I taught Sunday School, held several church offices, but had a terrible secret. At around age 6-7 my older brother sexually abused me. I didn’t know it then, but that abuse set the stage for a lifetime of sexual addiction.
From that time on I always thought about sex, but kept it a secret. So through my teens it was all about sexual experimentation (me reliving trauma) with men a little older than me or my age. After I got married I thought I’d be able to handle things, but things escalated for me. XXX bookstores, encounters with men I didn’t know, always looking for the same thing - reliving trauma, although I didn‘t know it at the time. All in secret, all in shame with large doses of pornography thrown in to keep the downward spiral going.
Eventually my life spun out of control. I was living a secret life where I would get tested for an STD, be negative, swear I’d quit, then go right back out again. All this time I was reading the Bible and praying desperately for God to help me stop. I couldn’t stop, but I didn‘t know why. I hated the secret. It kept me in bondage.
Finally in December 2015 I reached out and got some Christian help. I was astonished to hear the word addiction connected with my name. After a year of therapy I’m back on a good path, connecting with God. The difference is, I’m not doing it alone anymore, and that seems to be making all the difference.
In a nutshell - I’ve gone from compulsive behavior to freedom. From an abuse victim hiding my pain and acting out secretly with men and viewing pornography to abuse survivor taking my pain to Jesus and leaning on His power to face life. As a victim I ran from life, now I face life.
My story is that I was abused and did the wrong things to cope with my pain. I did not know I was compulsively acting out trauma. I got help and now realize I need people and can’t do it on my own. I thought I could. I need people for help, support, and to be sure I’m thinking properly, and to make me accountable. I’m not alone anymore.
If you’re reading this and wondering if you should contact Grace Wellness, do it. You’re right, you can’t do it on your own, not even with God and prayer. My therapist listened to everything. It was such a relief to tell someone. She was tender and tough. As tender as Jesus, never condemning, always loving, but tough enough to tell me the truth. Tough enough to hold me accountable. Loving enough to patiently stay with me as we journeyed together in my recovery. Talking to her is like talking to Jesus.
It’s not easy, but it’s simple. Make the call, and don’t go it alone. I never thought I’d recover. I reached out in desperation and just wanted to tell someone. God took it from there.
Trust Him. He’s here in the form of your therapist. You’re not alone anymore. Have some faith and courage and make the call. I did, and it changed my life.
All you need is a small amount of faith, the size of a grain of mustard seed. Take a breath. Make the call. All you have to lose is your pain and your secret. I lost mine, and I’m so glad I did. A new life is possible. I know, because I’m living it.
Male in Sexual Addiction Recovery